1 There was a man from the land of Gotham, whose name was Don; and that man was flawed and corrupt, and one that loved Mammon, and embraced evil.
2 And there were begat unto him three sons and two daughters.
3 His substance also was Trump Tower, and scores of golf courses, and dozens of hotels, and a private university, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the tycoons of the land.
4 And his sons went and crimed in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their sisters to crime and to partake with them.
5 And it was so, when the days of their criming were gone about, that Don sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and tweeted his commands according to the number of them all: for Don said, It may be that my heirs have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Don continually.
6 Now there was a day when the sons of Satan came to present themselves before the Lord of Hell, and Mammon came also among them.
7 And Satan said unto Mammon, Whence comest thou? Then Mammon answered Satan, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
8 And Satan said unto Mammon, Hast thou considered my servant Don, that there is none like him in the earth, such a flawed and a corrupt man, one that esteems Me, and embraces evil?
9 Then Mammon answered Satan, and said, Doth Don love Thee for nought?
10 Hast Thou not made a Teflon shield about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.
11 But now put forth thine hand, and put a spell on all that he hath, and he will curse you to your face.
12 So Mammon went forth from the presence of Satan.
13 And there was a day when Don’s sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in his beach-front house:
14 And there came a messenger unto Don, and said, Stormy is coming, and Cohen and Pecker beside her:
15 And Alvin Bragg fell upon him, and booked him straight away; yea, they have opened a case of election interference; and Don said He’s the victim here.
16 While that messenger was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The ire of the Feds descended on his house, and hath discovered the documents, and even though Don had his servants hide them; and Don said He’s the victim here.
17 While that messenger was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Jack Smith says Don stirred chaos to force lawmakers to delay the certification of the vote; and Don said He’s the victim here.
18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Don, his sons and his daughters have been again feasting and enjoying their house built on fraud:
19 And, behold, there came a great dark wind called Letitia, and smote the four corners of the house, and the toll came to the tune of half a billion dollars; and Don said He’s the victim here.
20 Then Don arose, and rent his Brioni suit, and shaved his hair-sprayed coif, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped,
21 And said, Naked came I, born with only a tiny silver spoon, and naked I shall never return (unless on a bed of cash): Mammon makes, and the Woke Deep State takes; blessed be the name of Satan.
22 In this Don apologized not, but blamed all as is his wont.
*****
2 Again there was a day when the sons of Satan came to present themselves before the Lord of Hell, and Mammon came also among them to present himself before Satan.
2 And Satan said unto Mammon, From whence comest thou? And Mammon answered Satan, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
3 And Satan said unto Mammon, Hast thou considered my servant Don, that there is none like him in the earth, a flawed and corrupt man, one that esteems Mammon, and embraces evil? and still he holdeth fast his vileness.
4 And Mammon answered Satan, and said, Orange skin for Orange skin, yuck, his immortal soul for just $59.99, all that that man hath will he give for Mammon.
5 So put forth thine hand now, and remove thy spell, and he will curse thee no more.
6 Call forth now My Supreme Choir and the GOP suck ups and MAGA minions to defend him.
7 So went Mammon forth from the presence of Satan, and smote the enemies of Don and gave him his rightful crown.
8 Thus Satan blessed the latter end of Don even more than his beginning: for he had the White House, fifty-thousand federal sycophants, love letters from Vlad, Xi, and Kim, festive executions for all his enemies, and gobs of cheeseburgers and diet cokes.
9 And also he kept a harem of blonds, but in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughter of Don.
10 After this Don, the healthiest in the world, lived a hundred and forty years, and saw his sons, and his sons’ sons, even four generations.
11 So Don passed, being old and full of himself.
*Devil Hex the USA Bible